A Hookup, a Rugby Player, and the Shame Script I’m Unlearning In this episode of Soft Weird, I talk about a night out at the Saloon that turned into something much deeper than a funny one night stand story. What started as chemistry with a very large rugby built man became an unexpected reflection on anxiety, self worth, and the stories we inherit about desirability. Somewhere around 5 in the morning, my inner monologue kicked into overdrive. Without the beer goggles, was I suddenly going to become a regrettable decision? Was this man going to wake up, look at me clearly in daylight, and want out? The funny thing is, none of that had actually happened. He was asleep. And I realized how quickly anxiety can impersonate intuition. How fast old shame scripts can step onto the stage and start narrating the moment before reality has a chance to speak for itself. I also share a strange full circle moment from my acting career. Years ago, I was cast in a Minnesota Department of Health campaign about regrettable drunken hookups. My face was literally posted in bars and bathroom stalls across the state as the cautionary tale. I cashed the check and smiled, but there was an ouch in that experience too. This episode became less about sex and more about self regard. About how many of us quietly outsource our worth to other people. About the hierarchies we absorb around beauty, body image, age, masculinity, status, and desirability. About how easy it is to turn attraction into judgment. I talk about The Professor, Mister Pearls, and Rugby. About trusting my gut while also learning to interrogate my inner narrator. About the difference between discernment and diagnosis. About how some of the harshest voices in our heads were trained there early through family, religion, shame, and years of feeling not quite enough. And I keep coming back to this: Desire does not have to be hierarchical. I can be attracted to someone beautiful without turning them into a judge. Also, sometimes a man is just asleep. This episode is funny in parts, vulnerable in others, and probably one of the more honest conversations I have had publicly about dating, self worth, and learning to rewrite old stories. If you have ever mistaken anxiety for intuition, if you have ever felt judged before anyone actually judged you, or if you are trying to unlearn the idea that your worth depends on being chosen, I think this one might resonate. And yes, there is also a buck naked rugby player wandering through my apartment in broad daylight. We contain multitudes.
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